Confronting the Subconscious

Progress Check

In the conclusion of my first post ("A Final Attempt to Find the Self") I claimed that accepting the reality of one's circumstances enables self-reflection. My second post (part one of "On the Road to Recovery: Understanding Trauma") mentioned that, in order for said reflection to be meaningful, it is crucial to understand the cause(s) of one's suffering, which was identified as the monster called "trauma". Investigating types and causes of trauma enabled me to realize that my current state of mind and affairs are the results of complex trauma, i.e. long-term exposure to various events and circumstances which were traumatic in nature. Exploring responses tó and affects óf trauma (in both parts one and two of "On the Road to Recovery: Understanding Trauma") provided some insight into the thoughts we generate, feelings we experience, and actions we employ in our attempts to survive the devastation of trauma. 

Contemplating and expanding my understanding of trauma led to the discovery of unhealed trauma.  My previous post ("Confronting Trauma: Bereavement") recalled the origin of my journey with trauma as I realized the need for revisiting the past and reconstructing certain aspects of the unhealed trauma. Confronting this unhealed trauma enabled me to reflect on the destructive impact bereavement had on my life. It also empowered me to identify factors which inhibited healing for so many years. Most important: It made me realize that I had been ready, for quite a while now, to embrace the serenity which is the result of unconditional acceptance. Let it be clear that this enlightenment isn't the product of revisiting and reconstructing the unhealed trauma. Furthermore, it is also not due to an overdose of bereavement which desensitized me (an initial thought mentioned in my previous post).  After all, it seems that I was simply so overwhelmed by more recent trauma (of a different nature) that I was completely oblivious to this enlightenment. 

Intermezzo: Back to the Books

Nevertheless, coming to terms with this enlightenment required the process of revisiting and reconstructing unhealed trauma to be paused. I found it unfathomable that my absolute inability to accept the traumatic bereavement of my youth suddenly transformed into unconditional acceptance. How is it possible to abruptly realize that you are at peace with trauma from the past, especially trauma that was so incredibly painful and caused so much devastation to your life?

The concept of "revisiting" and "reconstructing" past trauma relates to what is known in psychology as "narrative therapy". Resilience Lab (2024) defines this as "[...] a therapeutic practice that invites you to re-author your life story, offering a creative way to navigate personal problems." As a scholar of literature, I have spent most of my life engaging with narratives (stories) in one or another way: At the age of 9 I started reading fiction, which soon became a fanatic hobby (I guess the subconscious of my young mind realized that reading enabled it to escape reality, even if it was just temporarily). After completing high school, I went to varsity to study languages and literature, an experience which transformed a "fanatic hobby" into the passion of "a life with literature." This resulted in a short academic career (which ended at the age of 24, when I left the country to teach abroad) and no less than three peer-reviewed articles, published in accredited academic journals. It goes without saying that my education and research exposed me to different ideas of narrative therapy, which literary criticism refers to as psycho-analysis. Looking back at this period of time in my life, I know realize that I've been contemplating the potential of literature as pscychological therapy for a very long time. This becomes evident when one considers the themes my publications were concerned with, i.e.: The "[...] notion of identities being constructed within discourse" (De Jager & Van Niekerk, 2010); "[...] textual reconstruction of the marginalised other in terms of the voicing of silence and the rewriting of history and memory" (De Jager, 2012);  "[...] Self-reflection on the poetical practice; abolishment of the boundaries between words and reality; and [...] poetry as medium of allaying inadequacies" (De Jager, 2011). 

Bothered by the seemingly insignificant way my mind dealt with the acceptance of the bereavement from my youth, I continued my research on the topic of narrative therapy. This lead to the confirmation of my suspicion that being completely overwhelmed by more recent trauma made me oblivious to the fact that I had come to terms with some aspects of past trauma. Gaining a better understanding of the tremendous impact trauma could have on your levels of consciousness also lead to a critical revelation about my history with trauma. It was as if the theoretical knowledge acted as the key which accessed a certain subconscious "vault". The content of this vault made the conscious mind aware of another unhealed trauma, one that was long-forgotten.          

References

De Jager, S. & Van Niekerk, J. (2010). Die Representasie van Afrikaneridentiteit in Deon Opperman se Kaburu (2008). Stilet: Tydskrif van die Afrikaanse Letterkundevereniging, 22(1), 15-29.  

De Jager, Shaun. (2011). Die poëtikale poësie van Herman de Coninck. Tydskrif vir Nederlands, 18(2), 47-56.

De Jager, Shaun. (2012). Die gemarginaliseerde "Ander" in P.G. du Plessis se Fees van die ongenooides. Stilet: Tydskrif van die Afrikaanse Letterkundevereniging, 24(1), 19-34.  

Resilience Lab. (2024). Narrative therapy: techniques, efficacy, and use cases. https://www.resiliencelab.us/thought-lab/narrative-therapy

Confronting Trauma: Bereavement

The Origin of My Journey with Trauma

Exploring the extensive ways trauma could affect any ánd all aspects of our lives lead me to acknowledge the profound impact one specific traumatic event from my childhood had, and apparently still has, on my life. Said event is significant in terms of it being the first severe traumatic encounter of my existence, suggesting the origin and start of my journey with trauma - a journey which apparently still hasn’t reached its destination. As mentioned in the conclusion to my previous post: It seems that the terror of trauma could haunt one for an infinite period of time. 

The event I am so evasively referring to is that horrific car crash in which my beloved gran lost her life. In the 23 years which have passed since then, I have tried a few times to find words capable of expressing what the trauma I was exposed to on that day had done to me. Up until now, I have failed. Perhaps when I started to weep uncontrollably, two decades later and after noticing a cross next to a road (in memory of another life that ended in a similar way), was the closest I have ever come to confronting my trauma.

I guess it is about time to revisit and reconstruct the unhealed traumatic bereavement that is still haunting me. However, before moving on to this (which heart and mind is trying to avoid at all cost), I think it is important to clarify what exactly is meant with what I just referred to as traumatic bereavement.

What is Traumatic Bereavement?

Thinking about traumatic bereavement requires us to consider both trauma and bereavement. Trauma describes the way that some distressing events are so extreme or intense that they overwhelm a person’s ability to cope, resulting in lasting negative impact. Bereavement describes the experience of the death of someone significant 

(UK Trauma Council, 2024).

Considering the above definitions, traumatic bereavement suggests the devastation caused by the death of someone significant. When this happens, it isn’t merely a case of me acknowledging the passing of an acquaintance. On the contrary, it is the loss of a dearly beloved one, which distorts the natural grieving process to such an extent that it becomes a traumatizing experience with an excruciating impact on the wellbeing and everyday functioning of the survivor.

Revisiting and Reconstructing Traumatic Bereavement

Losing the most important person in my life at the age of 13 (the start of adolescence) obviously had a greater impact than I had ever imagined. Revisiting and reconstructing this event in my mind, I now recall the intense, almost fanatic, longing for the return and presence of my gran. The futile nature of these expectations resulted in anger that was projected on everything and anything. Very soon, the hopelessness of the situation led to being diagnosed with Post-traumatic stress disorder, with antidepressants prescribed as part of the treatment.   

In an ideal world, “[a]djusting to life without the person who died will require the child or young person to accept the reality and permanence of what has happened, and then start to focus on life without them” (UK Trauma Council, 2024). However, despite the weekly sessions of therapy received from a psychologist (in addition to the antidepressant medicine), I found it impossible to make any significant progress with regards to moving on with my young life.  Thinking of it, the post-traumatic circumstances I had to endure probably didn’t help much, since everyone around me was caught up in their own issues resulting from this traumatic loss. My subconscious mind simply refused to accept reality, a state which lasted for many years and manifested in recurring dreams of my gran returning from the dead with some sort of justification for (falsely) giving me the impression that she was dead. Obviously, this inhibited the process of healing tremendously.

As time passed, life had to go on. However, accepting the loss continued to be a struggle. Various other incidents of traumatic bereavement followed. At the age of 26 I had to grant the doctor permission to end my 47 year old mom’s life support after she unexpectedly suffered a series of strokes and was declared brain dead. For several years following this incident, I experienced the same refusal to accept the loss. However, after my best friend’s suicide at age 30 and burying my grandpa during the COVID-19 pandemic, I guess I was so overwhelmed by continued traumatic bereavement that I started to become desensitized. 

It is only recently that I have started to realize that I am finally at peace with that terrible incident which happened so many years ago. Perhaps this state of mind was the result of an overdose of traumatic bereavement. Maybe it is due the excessive suffering of more trauma (different from bereavement). The only thing I know for sure is that I am now finally ready to bury all my loved ones who have departed this Earth once and for all.  

Reference

UK Trauma Council. (2024). What is traumatic bereavement? https://uktraumacouncil.org/resource/what-is-traumatic-bereavement-2

 

On the Road to Recovery: Understanding Trauma (Part II)

Affects of Trauma

In part one of "On the Road to Recovery: Understanding Trauma" I contemplated my perception of trauma. I noted that trauma is the cause of any form of harm we are exposed to and which results in the pain we have to endure. Part one also explored types and causes of trauma, as well as typical ways we respond to it. Knowing this surely contributes to a better understanding of the overwhelming force we are fighting, as well as our initial reactions to it. However, this knowledge is insignificant compared to the affects of trauma: the devastation it causes in our lives. 

According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration of the United States (SAMHSA, 2014), the affects of trauma could impact the emotional, physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and developmental domains of our lives. 

Emotional Affects

Trauma "[...] tends to evoke two emotional extremes: feeling either too much (overwhelmed) or too little (numb) emotion" (SAMHSA, 2014). Since regulating emotional control is something which could be very difficult for human beings, we often tend to engage in destructive methods, or "self-medication," which are essentially attempts to regain control of our emotions. These methods include substance abuse, self-injury, eating disorders, compulsive behaviors (like gambling or overworking), and repression/denial of emotions. 

Physical Affects

One way trauma could affect us physically is known as somatization, which occurs when emotional distress is projected onto one's physical wellbeing and expressed as bodily symptoms or dysfunctions. Somatic complaints are essentially generated by psychiatric conditions. Another physical reaction arising from trauma is hyperarousal, which is "[...] characterized by sleep disturbances, muscle tension, and a lower threshold for startle responses [...]" (SAMHSA, 2014). Except for somatization and hyperarousal, the affects of trauma could also manifest as neurological, respiratory, dermatological, and various other types of health disorders. 

Cognitive Affects

Trauma could have tremendous affects on cognition, which refers to the mental process of understanding through thoughts, experiences and senses. Very often, this leads to the perceptions that our traumatic experiences are unique and incomprehensible. "To clarify, trauma can lead individuals to see themselves as incompetent or damaged, to see others and the world as unsafe and unpredictable, and to see the future as hopeless—believing that personal suffering will continue, or negative outcomes will preside for the foreseeable future [...]" (SAMHSA, 2014). 

Examples of changes in thought-processes, resulting from exposure to trauma, include: cognitive errors (misinterpreting a current situation as dangerous due to its resemblance to a previous traumatic experience), excessive or inappropriate guilt (attempting to make sense of a traumatic experience by assuming responsibility), idealization (justifying the perpetrator of the traumatic incident's behavior), trauma-induced hallucinations or delusions (false perceptions and mental believes which contain thoughts congruent to an experienced trauma), as well as intrusive thoughts and memories (nightmares and flashbacks are ways of cognitively reexperiencing a previous traumatic event, which is often triggered by sensory reminders that resemble or represent the initial event).   

Behavioral Affects

While nightmares and flashbacks are cognitive ways of reexperiencing a traumatic event, behavioral "[r]eexperiencing can occur through reenactments (literally, to 'redo'), by which trauma survivors repetitively relive and recreate a past trauma in their present lives." Examples of reenactments include "[...] self-injurious behaviors, hypersexuality, walking alone in unsafe areas or other high-risk behaviors, driving recklessly, or involvement in repetitive destructive relationships (e.g., repeatedly getting into romantic relationships with people who are abusive or violent), to name a few" (SAMHSA, 2014). 

Other behavioral affects of trauma are self-harm and self-destructive behaviors. Self-harming behaviors entail physically harming oneself , while self-destructive behaviors comprise of behaviors like substance abuse, eating disorders, or high-risk impulsive behavior. "Self-destructive behaviors differ from self-harming behaviors in that there may be no immediate negative impact of the behavior on the individual; they differ from suicidal behavior in that there is no intent to cause death in the short term" (SAMHSA, 2014).

Avoidance is another affect of trauma which alters behavior. "When people can’t tolerate strong affects associated with traumatic memories, they avoid, project, deny, or distort their trauma-related emotional and cognitive experiences" (SAMHSA, 2014).

Social Affects

Experiencing trauma could affect our relationships with other people significantly. Perceptions of ourselves and others resulting from changes in cognitive patterns (as mentioned above), may lead to difficulties connecting with other people after being exposed to trauma. Furthermore, "[m]any survivors of childhood abuse and interpersonal violence have experienced a significant sense of betrayal. They have often encountered trauma at the hands of trusted caregivers and family members or through significant relationships" (SAMHSA, 2014). The disappointment, betrayal and lack of trust experienced by subjects of trauma have the potential to damage interpersonal relationships, eventually resulting in alienation from attachment and - eventually - social isolation.

Developmental Affects

Research suggests that being exposed to trauma during the early stages of one's life negatively affects brain development. The chemical reactions taking place in the brain as a result of the trauma "[...] can then negatively affect critical neural growth during specific sensitive periods of childhood development [...]" and even result in adverse brain development. One study has found that oxytocin, a natural hormone important for the development of social affiliation and support, attachment, trust, as welll as management of stress and anxiety, was decreased in "[...] women who had been exposed to childhood maltreatment, particularly those who had experienced emotional abuse. The more childhood traumas a person had experienced, and the longer their duration, the lower that person’s current level of oxytocin was likely to be and the higher her rating of current anxiety was likely to be" (SAMHSA, 2014).  

To Wrap Up

Having a better understanding of the affects of trauma across the different domains of our existence provides explanation for some of the thoughts we generate, feelings we experience, and actions we employ in our attempts to survive the devastation of trauma. Suddenly, it makes so much more sense how driving past a cross planted next to a road resulted in me bursting out in tears and crying so hysterically that I had to bring the vehicle to a stop. See, that cross next to the road triggered the memory of little Alph, losing the most important person in his life in a car accident twenty years earlier. The profound impact this traumatic event had on my life becomes evident when one considers the strong emotional reaction, triggered by visual stimuli without any direct resemblance to the traumatic experience from my past. Furthermore, the fact that this incident happened two decades earlier, demonstrates that the terror of trauma could haunt one for an infinite period of time. 

Reference

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US). (2014). Chapter 3: Understanding the impact of trauma.  In Center for Substance Abuse Treatment (US) (Eds.), Trauma-informed care in behavioral health services (Treatment improvement protocol (TIP) series, no. 57). https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK207191/  

    

On the Road to Recovery: Understanding Trauma (Part I)

My Understanding of Trauma

My first post ("A Final Attempt to Find the Self") concluded with the assumption that "Self-reflection and self-discovery seem to be the the first steps on the road to recovery." For reflection to be meaningful, it is important to understand the cause(s) of our suffering. Let's presume pain (regardless of the nature, whether physical and/or emotional) is something inflicted on us as a result of being exposed to some sort of harmful experience. The implication of this reasoning is then to accept the existence of a malicious force which is primarily responsible for all forms of harm. The monster we are describing here, is what is known to us as "trauma." 

According to Quinn, "[...] trauma is an event or circumstance that results in physical, emotional, or life-threatening harm" (2023). The American Psychological Association defines trauma as "[...] an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, crime, natural disaster, physical or emotional abuse, neglect, experiencing or witnessing violence, death of a loved one, war, and more" (2024). In my opinion, trauma neither refers to a specific event, nor the response to such an event. Instead, trauma is a descriptive term defining the nature of the mentioned event and relevant response. 

Types & Causes of Trauma

Quinn (2023) differentiates between three main types of trauma, each with its respective causes: 

1) Acute trauma, resulting from a single incident of being exposed to a specific event or circumstance. Since trauma is experienced subjectively, it is important to consider that the involved subject experienced this particular event as overwhelming to the extend of being traumatic. Examples of acute trauma include a car accident, natural disaster, violent crime, etc. 

2) Chronic trauma, due to continued exposure to certain distressing experiences. Chronic trauma often occurs in scenarios where a subject had to endure unbearable suffering over a period of time. Examples of chronic trauma could be a subject involved in domestic violence, suffering from a chronic illness, or battling homelessness.   

3) Complex trauma, developed during long-term exposure to a series of various events which were traumatic in nature. An example of complex trauma would be that of a subject who experienced childhood trauma, involving abuse and witnessing domestic violence.  

Responding to Trauma

According to the article "Beyond Fight or Flight: Discover The Six Trauma Responses" (2023), the different ways we respond to trauma are:

1) Confronting the trauma (physically and/or verbally) by means of attack and defense.

2) Attempting to escape and/or avoid the threat (both physically and emotionally).

3) Becoming temporarily unresponsive (we literally fail to respond as a result of being overwhelmed). 

4) Appeasing and accommodating the traumatic stimuli (as an attempt to make it stop).  

5) Denying the impact of the trauma (by downplaying the reality and pretending contentment).

6) Fainting (we literally lose consciousness as a result of being overwhelmed).

To be Continued...

References

American Psychological Association. (2024). Trauma. https://www.apa.org/topics/trauma#:~:text=Trauma%20is%20an%20emotional%20response,shock%20and%20denial%20are%20typical.

Family Psychiatery & Therapy. (2023, July 21). Beyond fight or flight: Discover the six trauma responses. https://familypsychnj.com/2023/07/beyond-fight-or-flight-discover-the-six-trauma-responses/#:~:text=In%20this%20article%2C%20we%20will,better%20support%20our%20mental%20health.

Quinn, Deborah. (2023, August 3). Types of trauma: The 7 most common types and their impacts. Sandstone Care. https://www.sandstonecare.com/blog/types-of-trauma/

Calum Scott's Rise: Phoenix Out Of the Ashes...

 

The speaker is evaluating the choices he made which brought him to his current position, seemingly safe and sound. However, he soon realizes that in order to progress, one has to leave the protective custody provided by passiveness. After embarking on the journey, he acknowledges that the continuity of endless efforts is demanding and even questionable, “'[ca]use we're all looking for a reason” to “[fi]nd a shelter from the storm within.” This implies that the journey per sue isn't representing the actual challenge – ironically, the true challenge lies within the self. It is our own insecureties which we need to conquer in order to succeed, since it is “[n]ot how you fall back down / [b]ut how you get back up” which will eventually lead you to “see me rise” (Scott, 2021).

Reference

Scott, Calum. (2021). Rise [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=rise

A Final Attempt to Find the Self

Insulted by AI

Typically Alph... Gets excited about things that would bore most people to death. Nevertheless, excited I was when setting up the Analphabetic Alphabet, my own space in an (artificial) cloud where I can pursue my last attempt to assess what is left of the "SELF" (it sounds better and more worthy than "illiterate idiot" or "excuse for an existence"). 

About ready to start the first post, my eye caught the subject of the one and only visitor to my brand new inbox: "Do you need help finding a happier life?" What an anticlimax... As if scrolling through social media, being overwhelmed with motivational and self-help posts, aren't enough. Come to think of it, in lieu of actual emotional support from real people, I should be thankful for the grace of the Great AI...

Really, Alph. Certainly you were meant for bigger things than feeling sorry for yourself and blogging about it? See, Alph wasn't always Alph... Not so many moons ago, people referred to him as Alpha, as he was indeed synonym to great things. Then, circumstances conspired to pull a dirty one on him, which resulted in Alpha becoming Alph, now in dire need of resources, whether financial, human, or emotional of nature...

Financially ruined, almost completely abandoned by everyone, and in a state of complete emotional despair, there is no other way of saying it: I am burnt out - ashes to ashes, dust to dust...

Forced by Failure

Denial is a most dangerous devil, often disguised in procrastination. Therefore, acceptance seems to be the only alternative during these times. Once you have accepted the reality of your circumstances, then - and only then - self-reflection could become a possibility. For the first time in my entire life, I am forced to focus on myself, and only myself, which made me realize that Alph needs to discover the "SELF". I have always been so pre-occupied in focusing on others and meeting their needs, that I have neglected the development of my own identity. Consequently, at the age of 36, I am a stranger to myself. 

For now, this is it. Self-reflection and self-discovery seem to be the the first steps on the road to recovery. Perhaps this will eventually lead to the phoenix rising from the ashes - a gradual, powerful force rising to great heights: Alpha... Beta... Gama...