Confronting Trauma: Bereavement

The Origin of My Journey with Trauma

Exploring the extensive ways trauma could affect any ánd all aspects of our lives lead me to acknowledge the profound impact one specific traumatic event from my childhood had, and apparently still has, on my life. Said event is significant in terms of it being the first severe traumatic encounter of my existence, suggesting the origin and start of my journey with trauma - a journey which apparently still hasn’t reached its destination. As mentioned in the conclusion to my previous post: It seems that the terror of trauma could haunt one for an infinite period of time. 

The event I am so evasively referring to is that horrific car crash in which my beloved gran lost her life. In the 23 years which have passed since then, I have tried a few times to find words capable of expressing what the trauma I was exposed to on that day had done to me. Up until now, I have failed. Perhaps when I started to weep uncontrollably, two decades later and after noticing a cross next to a road (in memory of another life that ended in a similar way), was the closest I have ever come to confronting my trauma.

I guess it is about time to revisit and reconstruct the unhealed traumatic bereavement that is still haunting me. However, before moving on to this (which heart and mind is trying to avoid at all cost), I think it is important to clarify what exactly is meant with what I just referred to as traumatic bereavement.

What is Traumatic Bereavement?

Thinking about traumatic bereavement requires us to consider both trauma and bereavement. Trauma describes the way that some distressing events are so extreme or intense that they overwhelm a person’s ability to cope, resulting in lasting negative impact. Bereavement describes the experience of the death of someone significant 

(UK Trauma Council, 2024).

Considering the above definitions, traumatic bereavement suggests the devastation caused by the death of someone significant. When this happens, it isn’t merely a case of me acknowledging the passing of an acquaintance. On the contrary, it is the loss of a dearly beloved one, which distorts the natural grieving process to such an extent that it becomes a traumatizing experience with an excruciating impact on the wellbeing and everyday functioning of the survivor.

Revisiting and Reconstructing Traumatic Bereavement

Losing the most important person in my life at the age of 13 (the start of adolescence) obviously had a greater impact than I had ever imagined. Revisiting and reconstructing this event in my mind, I now recall the intense, almost fanatic, longing for the return and presence of my gran. The futile nature of these expectations resulted in anger that was projected on everything and anything. Very soon, the hopelessness of the situation led to being diagnosed with Post-traumatic stress disorder, with antidepressants prescribed as part of the treatment.   

In an ideal world, “[a]djusting to life without the person who died will require the child or young person to accept the reality and permanence of what has happened, and then start to focus on life without them” (UK Trauma Council, 2024). However, despite the weekly sessions of therapy received from a psychologist (in addition to the antidepressant medicine), I found it impossible to make any significant progress with regards to moving on with my young life.  Thinking of it, the post-traumatic circumstances I had to endure probably didn’t help much, since everyone around me was caught up in their own issues resulting from this traumatic loss. My subconscious mind simply refused to accept reality, a state which lasted for many years and manifested in recurring dreams of my gran returning from the dead with some sort of justification for (falsely) giving me the impression that she was dead. Obviously, this inhibited the process of healing tremendously.

As time passed, life had to go on. However, accepting the loss continued to be a struggle. Various other incidents of traumatic bereavement followed. At the age of 26 I had to grant the doctor permission to end my 47 year old mom’s life support after she unexpectedly suffered a series of strokes and was declared brain dead. For several years following this incident, I experienced the same refusal to accept the loss. However, after my best friend’s suicide at age 30 and burying my grandpa during the COVID-19 pandemic, I guess I was so overwhelmed by continued traumatic bereavement that I started to become desensitized. 

It is only recently that I have started to realize that I am finally at peace with that terrible incident which happened so many years ago. Perhaps this state of mind was the result of an overdose of traumatic bereavement. Maybe it is due the excessive suffering of more trauma (different from bereavement). The only thing I know for sure is that I am now finally ready to bury all my loved ones who have departed this Earth once and for all.  

Reference

UK Trauma Council. (2024). What is traumatic bereavement? https://uktraumacouncil.org/resource/what-is-traumatic-bereavement-2